Standing Up Against A Controlling Partner

 

Control is a demonstration of power or authority. To display control towards anybody, especially one’s partner, is a form of abuse. “Most people typically think of emotional abuse as one partner belittling or criticising the other. But emotional abuse is much more than verbal abuse. It can be defined as any nonphysical behaviour that aims to control, intimidate, subjugate, demean, punish, or isolate another person,” says Krasi Kirova, registered psychologist. A lot of marriages crumble because the other half becomes obsessed with dominating the other to the point of feeling suffocated and imprisoned.

 

 

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Characteristics Of A Controlling Partner

 

To efficiently conclude that you are becoming a victim of a controlling partner, the first thing that you should do is to identify the following characteristics and behavior:

 

  • Insecure and over-possessive
  • Hovers incessantly
  • Suspicious
  • Disapproving of your thoughts and opinions on any matter especially parenting
  • Mostly creates the rules that should be strictly followed
  • Forces you to explain expenses; always requires a credible reason whenever you ask for money
  • Psychologically, verbally, emotionally, and physically abusive
  • Doesn’t include you in planning the future or in important decisions
  • Disregards your valid and useful contributions

 

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A controlling partner can also be a narcissist. “Some people just seem to be way too self-involved. They drive the rest of us crazy with their constant need to be admired,” says relationship doctor Stephen Snyder, MD.

Drawing The Line

 

If you notice that your better half is overly consumed with being in command all the time, there are ways to cease the behavior before it ruins the relationship.

 

  1. Communicate With Honesty

 

Without proper communication, the dominant partner will never acknowledge that he or she is controlling. Instead, the person will insist that it’s only a way of taking care of you and protecting you because that’s what a good partner should do. In a controller’s mind, the behavior has good intentions and is not meant to be suffocating in any way. Because of this thinking, your partner is not entirely aware that his or her behavior is controlling and possessive; though this is not a pertinent reason to push you around and take advantage of your affection and respect towards your significant other.

 

It is critical that you let your partner understand how you feel. Be honest by explaining your side. Furthermore, be patient if your partner still exhibits dominance after you’ve talked about the issue. Be forgiving and tolerant of your partner for as long as you can see that he or she is trying to change his or her demeanor. Bad habits take time to unlearn.

 

  1. Stop Submitting To Demands

 

One of the reasons why control continues in a relationship is because the other half is reluctant to refuse all the whims of the other half. When you think you’ve had enough, be adamant in telling your partner that you are no longer going to take the bullying and abuse. Whenever your partner demands explanations or details of your whereabouts, calmly tell your partner that you are not obliged to reveal everything since you have the right to your privacy.

 

  1. Stop Trying To Get Validation

 

If your partner has this habit of telling you that you are never going to be good enough to do anything, that is your partner’s mindset talking. At this point, there’s no use going through the loops just to acquire appreciation. Yearning for approval from your partner will only fuel his or her bad behavior and will just feed your partner’s ego to continue his or her sinister nature.

 

 

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Keep in mind that you do not deserve to be bossed around and bullied just because you love someone. Being in a relationship should be sufficient reason to carry the weight of an abusive partner. You are worthy of affection and respect; therefore, stand your ground and spill it all out. If your partner refuses to change, there’s no shame in closing the book of your relationship and move on.

You must also seek help, if necessary, say with a therapist or a counselor. “Many folks worry that going to therapy means they’re “crazy” or “out of control.” In reality, people go to therapy for all sorts of reasons: personal growth, coaching through a rough patch, to get a neutral outside perspective, to optimize their life, to change a habit, and many more. Most importantly, they go because they want to make a change, but don’t know how to start,” says Ellen Hendriksen, PhD. This could be that change for you.

 

Ways A Marriage Can Survive Infidelity And Thrive After Challenging Times

 

Aside from abuse, probably one of the worst things that you can do to your partner is to have an affair.

 

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Cheating sucks. And the reality is, no matter how great you think your marriage is, it is not immune to the possibility of being afflicted with infidelity. The moment the affair has been uncovered, individuals who are cheated by their partners will be grappled with feelings of anger, sadness, and betrayal.

 

But cheating on your better half does not immediately mean that your relationship has taken its final turn for the worst, and the only way around is to end the marriage. Even if duplicity has severely damaged the very foundation of your union, giving it one more shot by rebuilding the relationship from ruins is possible. That is if you’re still willing to mend what was broken. Sari Cooper, CST, LCSW said “Not all couples split or divorce post-infidelity. Based on a 2008 Gallup poll, 31% of heterosexual married spouses stated that they would not divorce a spouse who was unfaithful.” 

 

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In The Aftermath

 

According to research, almost 25% of men and 11% of women will wind up engaging in extramarital affairs during their marriage, and some of of the reasons include falling out of love, variety, and neglect. According to statements in the article by Theresa E DiDonato Ph.D., “Sometimes (but not always) a deficit in an existing relationship leads people to have extradyadic affairs. For many people, a desire for variety factors into their cheating behavior. Some people engage in infidelity as a response to their partner’s lack of attention.”

The American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT) has indicated that for as long as the couples are willing to go into therapy and are amenable to mend the rift, there is a higher probability for the relationship to pull through. Furthermore, if the goal of the couple is to make their marriage work rather than staying due to their children and other obligations, the possibility of recovering from the dark times is possible.

 

The Route to Healing

Zen psychologist, Andrea F. Polard Psy.D., recommends: “Pay extra attention. Take seriously your partner’s arguments and inner conflicts. Pay attention to the mundane. Focus on the bigger picture. Say “Yes” to the whole, even if you do not like every single part – love is a resounding YES.” Make sense, right?

Betrayal is something that a person cannot quickly forget. Due to the intensity of emotions and the shattered trust, others would result to completely cutting the ties that bind. As for those who are still a bit hopeful and are leaning towards the notion that their marriage can still work despite the tragedy, here are some of the things that couples should do to start the process of restoring what was damaged and lost.

 

  1. Answering All Questions

 

For the one who committed the act, you owe it to your better half to provide the answers to all questions thrown at you, no matter how sensitive it is or how uncomfortable it can be. Lay every single detail out in the open and leave nothing unturned. To move forward, one must come clean.

 

  1. Addressing The Reason

 

All arguments or discussions regarding the infidelity must primarily include the reason that led to the unfaithful event. Talking about why the act of cheating happened is a huge step in moving past the illicit sexual relationship. Sometimes, those who cheated are clueless why they did it; therefore, resulting in the statement, “It just happened.” For this reason, couples should take time in recalling where their relationship has gone astray and from that point, assess how it became so messy. By figuring out how and why the unfaithfulness occurred, couples can resolve all underlying issues.

 

  1. Avoiding Constant Reminding

 

It is expected that untoward feelings due to infidelity will erupt now and then; it is an experience the cheater has to bear. Your partner is entitled to emotions of betrayal and despair. However, once the couple has dealt with and has agreed on making the marriage work despite the struggle, it is best not to bring up the incidence as much as before. Do not re-open a wound that’s trying to heal.

 

 

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Seek Help

 

Couples who are experiencing a rough time, especially when it has something to do with infidelity, must be willing to seek professional help. It is difficult to survive and thrive without the aid of a marriage counselor or a therapist.

 

 

 

I Want My Parents To Get Back Together – A Daughter’s Wish

 

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My father left my mom for a woman who was only six years older than I was last year. I am eighteen now, and his mistress was a 24-year-old temp in a firm which used to be his client. He left my mother, a beautiful and strong woman in her forties, for a slutty and gold-digging girl who is almost my age. Am I angry at him? Bah! You bet I am, but he is my dad. He pays for my college tuition at the University of Maryland. It sucks big time to be me, as I saw my mother cry every night for months due to her heartbreak which my dad has caused.

 

He gave the house to my mother because I have two minor siblings who need her. I live with my mom, and I don’t think I’ll move out anytime soon, not until I’m sure that she is better off or at least coping from this mess that my middle-aged dad has created. She is a housewife, and his financial support is spot on.

 

He Is My Dad After All

I can’t say anything bad about my father on that money thing. But is money enough? Can it fill the void in my mom’s heart? No, it’s not enough. It can’t make my mom less empty. I mean, they’ve been together since my mom was fifteen and they’ll be thirty years in eight months. How can he forget all of that, hurt my mother to the core, and go off on an adventure with a child almost my age? I was so pissed at him, and with my resentment all in, I wrote my dad an email. I told him everything that my heart could afford to say – basically saying, what is wrong with you dad?

 

A few days after that email I received his reply. He said that we needed to talk. My dad wanted me to go to his pad so we can converse without distractions and all. I asked him if the tramp was going to be there and he said that Ainsley (I hate her name) was at her mom’s for now. His reply was weird, but then I set a date for our meeting.

 

His pad was a 2-bedroom place. It was luxurious and nice. Mom would have loved to decorate the place for him, knowing my mother – she had this artistic flair. My dad opened the door and forced me to hug him. I agreed reluctantly, thinking that he is my university benefactor. Of course, I made sure not to waste time and asked him why he wanted to meet with me.

 

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An Unexpected But Wanted Reaction

He was silent for a few minutes and tried to open his mouth and looked for words that wouldn’t come out.

 

“I am so sorry.”

“I was stupid and selfish.”

“Your email made me realize how self-centered I am.”

“Did she forget about me?”

Is it too late?”

 

Those were the only words I could hear since he was sobbing – my dad was crying!

 

“Too late for what, dad?” I asked.

“Your mom, is it too late for me?” He replied.

 

I didn’t want to burst his bubble, but yeah, mom was already in the “scene” and dating other guys. I know for a fact that she hasn’t slept with anyone after dad left her, but yeah, she had some mature and handsome divorced or widowed men trying to swoon her.

 

My dad has to know, and I told him about her romantic dates. He seemed to be hurt even more and looked so hopeless. I told him that he needed to face my mom soon and to ask her out – not to propose anything as of yet. Of course, I also told him to kick the tramp out and break it off with her. Apparently, my email made him do that on his own. Oh, good Lord, thank you! He also said that he would do call my mom and he hugged me again as I said goodbye.

 

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A Daughter’s Wish

It’s up to them now if they want to reconcile or not. I did my part as their child, and even if my dad was the culprit, I know that he just made a big mistake. He is human after all. My mom will have to decide if he is to be forgiven or not. Do I want them to get back together? YES, YES, and YES. Many times over. And until then, I am rooting for them.

Never Marry Someone Only Because Of These

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Yes, love crosses no boundaries. No one is allowed to question your decision to have a beautiful life with your significant other. That is regardless if you want to settle down and get married. However, there are things that you must consider. Not only does marriage is a commitment, but it is also something that gets built over time. So if you want to be in a situation where you think it will make you happy, then go for it. But if you are only concern about this stuff below, then you might want to reconsider the idea of marriage.

Parents’ Choice

Marrying someone because of parents’ choice is something you should never consider. Yes, there are still a lot of cases in other countries and religions that support the practice. But if you want to have the happiness you always dreamed of, never marry someone that your parents chose for you. Take note that it will not only create tons of future complications. There might also be a chance that the marriage will turn you into someone you are not supposed to become.

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Money

Money should ALWAYS have to be out of the picture when it comes to marriage. Unfortunately, a lot of people are engaging in the practice of marrying someone rich, even though there is no romantic attachment at all. Some individuals value possession more than their life-long happiness, and we somehow cannot blame them. But if you appear to be on the exact situation, consider evaluating things first for the sake of your emotional and psychological health. Never allow money to ruin your future happiness because it is not going to be worth it.

Blackmail

No matter what the circumstance is, never marry someone who controls your decisions through blackmail. That person is so evil that he or she will never love you, unconditionally. When you allow yourself to get caught up in a situation where an individual is forcing marriage, then by all means never to do it. Chances are when you marry someone just because you get blackmailed; you will never quickly get out of the situation. You will get trapped in a marriage that only controls and never considers.

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Revenge

Of course, you know that vengeance is never an ultimatum reason for marriage. No one does that. No person desire to prolong the agony of their miserable life only to get revenge. However, there are exceptions. Some people chose to get married because they want others to suffer the way they did. But if you are in that condition, might as well pass. It will never create something useful and often ends terribly. So when you try and incorporate marriage to vengeance, all things turn out negatively.

Marrying someone is something you should do with full of determination and considerations. It is not something you only thought you could do just because you can. Learn to value commitment and marriage, because that is the only way you can appreciate your worth.

Marriage: Definitely Not A Walk In A Park

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Marriage is more than just a ceremony. It is a relationship built on trust, love and a little bit of everything that makes up who you are.

Marriages work when two people are willing and want to choose each other over and over again no matter what. “The truth is that mature love is developed through daily feeding of the marriage and devotion to the relationship, which provide the oxygen that allows partners to survive and thrive in the vicissitudes of life,” explained by Stan Tatkin Psy.D.

As a married woman, I never thought that marriage is far more difficult than having a boyfriend-girlfriend kind of relationship.

Continue reading “Marriage: Definitely Not A Walk In A Park”

Damaging Marital Issues You Often Ignore

When it comes to marriage, a lot of people think that significant issues are the only ones that need attention. However, when you ask most married couples, they will tell you the opposite. The truth is, the majority of individuals believe that one impactful mistake will never become equivalent to hundreds of small ones. The latter gets often ignore because some of them are just not worth to become a big deal. But contrary to that ideology, people do not understand that most marital issues often come from small and seemingly unworthy things that grew multiples times day by day. Still, no one cares to pay attention.

Andrea F. Polard Psy.D. says that you have to open your eyes and make every day life magical, while you can. “Pay attention to your partner in the first ten minutes after you wake up as well as when you reunite later in the day. Smile at your partner for a few seconds longer. Ask how he feels. Tell him how much you love him. Listen carefully. Kiss and embrace him. You might be surprised, but this is a scientifically proven way to turn things around dramatically.”

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Both Are Always Busy

When it comes to marriage, spending time with each other is the most valuable thing. But with all the necessity of doing a lot of things in the house, and trying to juggle work and social connection, getting busy becomes an excuse. Couples become unaware of losing each other in the process of trying to keep themselves with loaded activities. As a result, couples drift apart from one another without knowing why. In some unfortunate cases, couples become confused about their feelings, and their commitments appear to get affected as well. Yes, no one look at the matter as an essential factor that needs development, not until it is all too late.

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Underestimating Hurtful Words

You see in marriage; there are instances that couples will engage in an intense level of argument. With that, one or both could inevitably express anger towards each other and might spit out some unnecessary hurtful words. Honestly, it is typically one of the usual things that happen every day for most married individuals’ household. But the problem of not addressing and tolerating the habit is the buildup of emotional and mental complication. As you can notice, hurtful words appear to be verbal abuse. But since most couples do not want to emphasize on that, they tend to ignore the habit. It is as a typical marital way that people can get used to no matter what.

“In a committed relationship, intimate communication often means revealing something about our own feelings that you’d ordinarily not reveal. It’s about taking a chance. Stepping out onto thin ice. And trusting that the other person won’t let you fall through,” as said by Dr. Stephen Snyder, sex and relationship therapist.

Not Helping Each Other

One of the fundamentals of marriage is helping each other out. No matter what the situation is, and regardless of how small and big the assistance would be, it is vital in the relationship. Unfortunately, lots of people put too much pressure on what both man and woman should do for each other. There is this identification of limits and responsibilities that somehow take the couples’ perspective negatively.
An example is when a woman works for the family, while a man takes care of the house. Society doesn’t seem to approve this; that is why it becomes an issue. Since there is this segregation of what is in for whom and what is not, there becomes an imbalance.

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Regardless of how people should look at things, couples must understand one thing. There is nothing more fulfilling than being there for someone you love. So instead of ignoring things, try becoming more sensitive enough in understanding what might cause probable marital issues. “Problems are always going to happen, just as life does. Knowing you can face them together keeps a relationship strong and healthy.” said by Alicia H. Clark, PsyD.

Depression Is Killing Me But My Husband Don’t Understand

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For over my ten years in a relationship with my husband, I am pretty sure we already experienced so many ups and downs. The truth is, I cannot even think of one particular case because everything in my head always leads me into a couple of unwanted stuff. So instead of overthinking and trying to torture my mental health, I preferably choose not to worry about those. As Alicia H. Clark, PsyD said, “Try not to fight your anxiety.”But lately, I have this emotional battle that I am not sure where the hell comes from. I am confident that I am at my best emotional state. However, my mind tells me a different story.

I Reached Out, But No One Answers

According to Jeanne Segal, Ph.D., “The further you move away from experiencing your emotions, the more distant you become from others, as well as from yourself.” The thing with my emotional strength, I have this confidence to tell people what are the emotions I have at the moment. The particular practice allows me to have the edge over others who cannot seem to put into words their emotional turmoil. With that said, since I am having a different kind of feelings that I cannot seem to explain, I told my husband about it. In my surprise, talk therapy did not work. I felt so devastated that I thought something is wrong in the way I delivered my emotional concern. I thought maybe the details are not precise, or perhaps some of them are not worthy of becoming an issue. I was as confused as to what I should be thinking about that moment. Did I tell my husband nonsense stuff? Are my emotional crisis doesn’t mean anything at all? Am I overreacting or only trying to grab some “I-don’t-really-need” attention? Those are the things I asked myself because I thought it was about me. Later, I figured out that it was my husband’s ignorance of my mental illness.

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Unfortunately, my beloved husband does not understand the mental condition I struggle to have. He assumed that I only needed some rest and lots of sleep to become better. Well, I honestly listened to his advice and made myself a list of self-care tips. However, what I entirely needed that time is his full understanding and attention of the symptoms of my depression. I want him to know that I needed someone to be there for me because I was having a problem of knowing what is wrong. Unfortunately, I only receive a little amount of emotional and mental support from him. My husband thought that all of the things I was going through are something that can cure itself over an extended period. Boy, he was so wrong.

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Presently

I understand that I can never push someone to understand my emotional and mental health battle because not all people know how to react. I do not blame my husband for being ignorant of the situation because he never intends to disregard my emotional and psychological crisis. He is only unaware of the things I am having, and I can consider an exemption for that. My depression is now both our battles, and I am thankful that he chooses to stay and fight it with me. As what Leon F Seltzer Ph.D. stated, “there are precious few guarantees in life. It’s almost always a matter of probabilities.”

Marriage 101: Silent Treatment Prolongs The Agony

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In a marital relationship, there is always this thing we call small but deadly couple’s argument. It includes a list of issues that practically does not have a solution at all. In most cases, these problems only originate because of exaggeration and overthinking. There are times that it is not even a big deal and not entirely worth the fight. However, given the circumstances, some couples often make sure they react in the situation based on their emotional and mental preference. With that, the silent treatment becomes an option.

Silent treatment or stonewalling is when the “listener withdraws from an interaction, refusing to participate or engage, essentially becoming unresponsive,” explains Dr. John Gottman, world-renowned psychological researcher.

It Is Never Helpful

The misconception about silent treatment is that most couples believe that it somehow resolves a marital argument. Yes, there are cases that the behavior gets required to control the tension both sides may have. However, there are inconsistencies. Because the longer it appears present in the situation, the more it becomes a routine. Since the silent treatment does not support communication, then there is a tendency that both couples will not be able to manage a quality conversation. They will only prolong the agony of too much anxiety and stress. Honestly, silent treatment only works in a situation where one of the couples is engaged in a particular issue. One can use it to control the situation and allow air to flow. However, when both are into ignoring each other, then the habit becomes emotionally and mentally damaging. Kipling Williams, PsyD, who has studied ostracism for twenty years, explains, “Excluding and ignoring people, such as giving them the cold shoulder or silent treatment, are used to punish or manipulate, and people may not realise the emotional or physical harm that is being done.

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It Does Not Support A Strong Relationship

With all the minor and major problems that married couples have inside their home, we all can agree that silent treatment should never have to be an option. It does not support a healthy relationship because there is no basis for its existence. Well, some may identify its importance in a stressful situation. But it does not guarantee any resolution to the problem because it hinders communication and self-expression. Therefore, silent treatment not only makes things worse, but it also becomes one of the sources of having more complicated miscommunication and misunderstanding. “It’s the most common pattern of conflict in marriage or any committed, established romantic relationship,” says Paul Schrodt, PhD.

It Is Incomparable To One’s Patience

The thing about silent treatment is it gets misidentified as a person’s patience towards an issue. Meaning, when one of the married couples chooses to stay and execute the habit, some people see it as the practice of patience. But the truth is, it is not at all something like that. The silent treatment is a behavior one chooses to do with someone only to hurt his or her significant other’s feelings. It is something that builds up resentment towards the other half. Therefore, it does support not only emotional instability but also promotes mental torture as well.

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So in case you have the habit of always giving your spouse or significant other a hard time in communication, you might want to reconsider things. Instead of mastering the art of silent treatment, why not practice better ways of self-expression? Sit together and talk. It will not only resolve small indifferences, but it also creates a much more meaningful marital relationship.

Therapists Say “Pause” Before Hitting The Altar

 

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You feel really happy with your relationship right now. You and your girlfriend of three years are so in love, and so you proposed. However, therapists advise that couples need to take a long pause before deciding to hit the altar. Amidst the strong love, the closeness, and the passion that you and your partner have for each other, you must consider all things, including seeking the help of a marriage therapist, to be able to fully understand the changes that you both will undergo once you have tied the knot. As what Dr. John Gottman, PsyD said, “A good marriage must have a rich climate of positivity” and advises that we make “regular deposits” to our emotional bank accounts.”

A few celebrity couples revealed in their interviews that they agreed to see a therapist before they decided to get married for the purpose of learning how to best communicate with each other. According to them, couples therapy had been ‘super helpful.’ But if, in the first place, you’re the perfect match, should you just go ahead and wed? No is the answer of Liz Higgins, a certified marriage therapist who specializes in advising young couples. She adds that there are principles that healthy couples try to follow that can help strengthen and create a rock-solid foundation. But do remember that no matter how happy and emotionally healthy you both are, there will always be existing conflict sooner or later.

Here are some of the best pieces of advice from seasoned marriage and family therapists – just some things that you and your partner should know before you decide to get married.

  • You can’t always say you’re in love with your partner.

You may think that you are currently with the perfect partner ever, but there’s a time and place where you won’t feel as in love and balanced. “That’s where it is vital to ground yourself with the values that you used as a couple.

  • Your relationship with your family is relevant to your marriage.

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Is your partner closely attached to her family and relatives? Does she find comfort in them? Are they in conflict or not? All these are very vital, Higgins explained, because these themes in the family tend to repeat in one’s marriage. So if your partner is comfortable talking to her family about anything, then she won’t have difficulty doing so with you.

  • You – not your partner – complete yourself.

Jerry Maguire’s ‘you complete me’ sounds so intense, but fortunately, it’s not true. Don’t find completeness in your partner because you and only you can do that. Focus on valuing yourself and remembering that taking care of yourself will enable you to give your best to the relationship. A relationship must have time for togetherness as well as separateness, with the trust that the love remains. “Being married is about joining two lives together, not giving up one. Being content in your own skin means you won’t be looking to your partner to fill voids in your life.” said Lesli Doares,  M.S.

  • Be aware of your partner’s financial status.

Before deciding to get into marriage, you must be agreeable to disclose each other’s finances. This is so that you can discuss the most efficient ways that you can manage the family’s financial situation. These days, couples have decreased conflict on money by having a separate account aside from their one joint account. Finances are among the most popular reasons for divorce, and at times, it’s an even more sensitive topic compared to sex. It would best be handled if both you and your partner were open and secure about it.

  • Conflict is unavoidable. Be ready to resolve it.

The honeymoon stage is probably the only stage in a marriage that is without or with very little conflict. After that, there will be a lot to argue about – your different habits and traits, the way you handle issues, keeping the budget under control, so on and so forth. Here’s a rather different view of Higgins regarding conflict: “The things that you later dislike in your relationship have more to do with you rather than with your partner.” Thus, to effectively handle conflict is realizing and acknowledging that it begins with you. You should find ways to deal with your worries and anxieties and just practicing a healthy way of reducing your stress levels. According to Eli Finkel, PsyD, “partners should get perspective from a third party who sees things from the “outside.” Bringing that objectivity helps to simmer down escalating arguments.”

  • When it seems like things aren’t going to get fixed, don’t give up just yet.

Most young couples separate very early in their marriage, perhaps because today’s mentality is if something doesn’t work, you just have to throw it away. Conflict, on the other hand, is something that needs to be resolved because it is an opportunity for couples to grow and strengthen their relationship. So if the issue is not domestic violence or any type of extremely negative behavior, try your best to find a solution before finally calling it quits.

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  • Show your love in big and small ways.

This is crucial in every relationship – be it your partner, your parents, siblings, or significant other. Making your partner feel loved helps her stay in a good place where she is confident, secure, and emotionally stable. You can plan a romantic trip to the countryside, or maybe just serve her breakfast in bed, with a matching kiss that tells her how much you love and appreciate her for simply being your better half.

 

 

Forgiving And Healing After An Affair

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Something devastating happened last night. You discovered that your spouse was cheating on you. What do you do? Are you going to throw his things over the window and never let him enter the house? Maybe you thought about calling your psychiatrist or psychologist friends and ask for support and advice. Or would you gather all the hope that’s left inside you and give him another chance?

Some people opt for an immediate breakup the moment they find out that their partners are cheating on them. Yet for others, they linger on their love and still try to weigh the circumstances before deciding whether or not they will forgive and forget. But the bottom line is that one very vital foundation has been broken: trust. How do you build that all over again? As Barton Goldsmith Ph.D. said, “It can be hard to forgive, especially if your partner has broken the most solemn of their marriage vows.”

Perhaps you will never know how difficult, depressing, and stressful it is to learn that your spouse has an affair, which is why forgiving is as difficult to give. However, it is vital to keep in mind that although you have forgiven your spouse, there is no complete guarantee that he will not and will never cheat again. He is the only one who can make that choice, and you can’t control what his decision might be. But YOU, on the other hand, have the choice to trust or not trust him again. Of course, trust can be rebuilt. The effort is tremendous, and it will have to take both of you to commit to working together and repairing the relationship.

Once you’ve decided to forgive and focus on healing, read, and try to follow these tips to help you head in the right direction.

Be A-Team. There might some hatred and bitterness within you when you glance at your spouse, but you promised to work it out, so you must set these ill feelings aside. Instead, strive to build a strong team, you and your spouse. Start with planning the chores together, and then schedule a date or alone-time because you know you need it. If you can’t possibly avoid an argument, remember to talk about the present and not bring up the past. Finding the place where forgiveness is beneficial can be a delicate process, and patience, with both the self and with one’s partner, is more likely to aid recovery than forcing the process.”Deidre A. Prewitt, MSMFC, LPC.

Be Open To Each Other. Talking, even arguing, is healthy for a relationship. It allows you to learn more about each other. When you have a discussion, you can know the things that you in disagreement with, and the things that you can agree on. It encourages you to be honest with each other, even when you sometimes feel angry for what he did. Maybe it’ll feel better if you tell him straight.

Source: flickr.com

Trust In Yourself. This is the hardest yet most crucial thing to fulfill, trusting yourself. It won’t be easy, as you will be confronted with questions to yourself. “Was I wrong to forgive him? Why didn’t I see this coming? Is there anything wrong with me? Am I not enough?” But as you slowly learn to trust on your instincts again, to listen to what your inner self is telling you, and be aware of your emotions, you’ll be doing fine as you move forward. Only then will you begin to have a peaceful and harmonious relationship with anyone. If your instinct tells you that it isn’t right, think again.

If You Are The Cheating Spouse

After having acknowledged that you made the mistake of having an affair, you have asked for forgiveness, and it was given to you. Now, you have decided to give it another try. Here are some things you need to remember.

Own It. Take responsibility for what you did and understand and be patient with your partner if she withholds some feelings or emotions from you. You hurt her, and it’s only natural that she takes it to step by step. Do the same. She will want to know why you did it, and you’ll have to be honest with her – that’s if you’re going to save your relationship. According to psychotherapist Abby Rodman, “It’s a reminder to both of you that your relationship is precious — and that neither one of you would ever do anything to recreate such a painful time.”

Do What You Say. Your spouse is trying to build trust again, so you’ll have to keep the promises this time. Change for the better and show her that you’re worth a second chance.

Source: today.com

Give Your Spouse Space. She’s feeling angry, depressed, and very hurt because of what you did. Remember that she has every right to express how she feels. You may sometimes feel that things aren’t going toward the right path, but give it time. Give her time and space. You both deserve some privacy – your spouse to not feel bad, and you to think of ways to win back her trust.