“When you are in denial about your part in the relationship, then you are no better than a child flinging sand at another child in a sandbox. When you take responsibility for your part in the marriage, only then will you be able to connect with your partner in a mature, intimate way.” — Carin Goldstein, LMFT
Being married to my husband for more than 15 years has made me realize that arguments in a relationship have nothing to do with the environment. Well, at least not all of it. The truth is, the maximum percentage of our marriage conflicts comes from our home. Yes, and the more we stay together, it creates a massive commotion inside our house which affects all of us in the family.
My husband is a nice person as far as I know. However, I noticed him changing over the course of our relationship that somehow bothered me due to a lot of inconsistencies. And then it hit me. I suddenly realized that there are certain things I didn’t know about my husband.
He stopped communicating
“Then communicate how you feel using I-statements. It’s not your partner’s job to read your mind, guess what you’re thinking, or put words into your mouth. These are huge obstacles to open, honest communication and will guarantee resentment, anger, and frustration in the relationship.” — Sharon Rivkin, MA, MFT
I don’t know when it all started, but suddenly my husband stopped talking to me. I felt he was cold and irresponsive most of the time. He seems to have a world of his own and won’t let me be part of it. It made me feel so confused, but then I recalled that it was me who stopped asking him about how his day went. I stopped answering some of his questions thinking that it was nonsense. I even thought of him looking like a fool for telling me things I don’t want to hear. It was I who made him silent for almost a year.
He started to lie
My husband is not a good liar, but all of a sudden, he became an expert. He managed to create deception in a lot of aspects such as his expenditures, hanging out with friends, cheating, and more. It was as if I was not part of his life anymore. Then again, I recalled, it was me who first lied about my feelings. I never let him know how I felt about everything and never talked about issues concerning our family. It was I who distanced myself from everything that connected with me.
He cheated on me
It was a battle between divorce and marriage. I wanted to cut loose from the heartache that my husband caused when he cheated on me. It was devastating. But then again I recalled that it was I who stopped loving him. I lost all the affections I had years before we even got married. I drowned myself with stress from work, financial crisis, family influence, and mental disposition. I misplaced myself right before I lost him.
As the realization hit me, my husband did love me and tried to care for me even more. But I was overconfident that things would still stay the same when I know it will not. I honestly pushed him to the things I know I’m not going to be ready for. Since love crosses boundaries, I know I still loved him and worked on things that would win him back, and I did.
My husband is everything to me, so I won’t allow small mistakes to destroy us anymore. I have found a lot of reason to fight, so I don’t have intentions to quit. “Sit down, listen to each other and write out how you want your future as a couple to look. It’s much easier to create your best relationship together if both people’s needs are voiced, heard and supported by their partner.” — Eve Agee, PhD