We know that marriage is a process and it’s entirely challenging to handle. So much for that, we are all guilty of making mistakes. Some of them can be both intentional, and some are not. After all, we are all human. And despite the idea of “happily ever after,” the truth is there is no such thing as a perfect relationship. “If you’re angry, sad or hurt, that’s information your husband needs to know.” The next time you have a bad day at work, send a warning text before you get home, Dr. Michelle Golland, PsyD, suggests.
Marriage is a lifetime commitment that one should take seriously. “Ideally, the joy of long-term commitment is having someone beside you, with you, to share the joys and the burdens of life. A long-term commitment complements the rest of your life as it becomes an integral part of it,” according to Mark D. White Ph.D..It is where couples try to create their own family and live with the blessings of the Holy Matrimony. It is a significant decision that both men and women should consider because it serves as the couple’s legal bond of their union.
“When you are in denial about your part in the relationship, then you are no better than a child flinging sand at another child in a sandbox. When you take responsibility for your part in the marriage, only then will you be able to connect with your partner in a mature, intimate way.” — Carin Goldstein, LMFT
Being married to my husband for more than 15 years has made me realize that arguments in a relationship have nothing to do with the environment. Well, at least not all of it. The truth is, the maximum percentage of our marriage conflicts comes from our home. Yes, and the more we stay together, it creates a massive commotion inside our house which affects all of us in the family.
Being in love always gives us the illusion that everything else will fall into place once we find the right person for us, but in reality, being in love and staying in a relationship is all about hard work and commitment. In order to build a stronger foundation for you and your partner to last a long time, there should be a discussion of important matters such as money. For some money topics might be too trivial to focus on, after all, you are in love. However, experts recommend having an open and honest conversation about money early on since it is bound to happen anyways.
In time, should you decide to save up for holidays, joint purchases and possibly renting or buying a home together, money issues will inevitably arise. Different individuals have a different view on finances, salaries, spending habits, and investments and due to these differences, friction and conflict may arise. “Some of the symptoms bringing them in—feeling depressed, feeling anxious, having panic attacks—they may not know how much the role of money is playing in those symptoms,” says Brad Klontz, PsyD when couples come to his office with money trying to tear the marriage apart.
Just like any other relationship, there’s bound to be some issues that will possibly end up in disagreement or argument; however, the important part is both you and your partner are willing to compromise and tackle the problem head-on. In a new relationship, many topics are unexplored, and oftentimes, both partners are unwilling to bring up sensitive issues (politics, religion, money and previous relations) because your present status is exceptional anyways so disturb the status quo. Here are guidelines to remember when money issues are considered.
Accept that everyone is different.
There is a chance that you and your partner differ in the salary range. One might be earning a lot and have numerous investments while the other might be struggling to pay student loans, debt and financial aftermath of a relationship or divorce. Accept that being financially savvy is not a trait of everyone. Also, people vary in their attitude towards money that is why as much as possible to discuss weighty topics early on in the relationship because after all, you have two options: to accept the person regarding financial matters or end the relationship.
Don’t add insult to injury.
No to blaming. “Do everything you can to support your partner’s well-being, and respect your partner as you would your best friend,” says John Gerson, Ph.D.
Don’t ever say “I told you so” when your partner makes a money mishaps. It is innate to emphasize that you were right all along and the other was wrong. If he/she put himself or herself under financial woes using his/her own money, then what you could do is give advice or tip in a relaxed and nonjudgmental matter. The final decision remains in their hands. For joint accounts, a rule should have been placed that frivolous and unnecessary purchases should be done through consulting the opinion of your partner.
Take small steps
Controlling or budgeting your finances can be overwhelming to someone who hasn’t done it before. If one of you is not aware of the importance of savings and investment, the more financially savvy should mentor your partner as well as learn and improve together. Start with easy saving tips such as limit buying from Starbucks and cooking your meals now and then. Also, another example is set an appropriate budget for the household weekly and stick by your allotted amount.
Here are some additional tips – “First, take yourself to a local bookstore or search online for books that specifically focus on this subject. Second, it’s time to have a discussion with your partner and for you to make a vow to change your relationship with money. Third, create what I call a Financial Performance Improvement Plan,” according to Seth Meyers Psy.D. Financial Performance Improvement Plan is a specific plan – identify a financial problem, create a solution for it, and have a deadline.
Couples who have decided to get married should know that there are a lot of things to consider for a relationship to work. They should have a better understanding of what their roles are to avoid complications in a situation. They should have to realize that some things may happen out of their expectations that might lead to unnecessary failed decisions. They have to remember that things will never work even if they tried so hard to put effort into it. “In a fight, when one partner is overwhelmed, they may not be able to process their thoughts,” Dr. Megan Flemming, clinical psychologist and certified sex therapist, explains.
“My Husband Cheated On Me.”
Almost six years of marriage went down to extreme exhaustion and pain. My husband cheated on me due to lack of communication. He slowly lost his desire for the things that made us both happy and eventually complains a lot about how we deal with each other’s disagreements. He managed to divert his attention to the things I am not aware of that led to intense arguments.
I wanted him to stay. I wanted him to love me. However, the situation got out of hand, and everything caused me severe pain and heartache. His mistake made me hate him as much as I hate myself. I almost wanted to die and attempted suicide. But I am his wife, and he’s my husband. That’s when I realize that I need to work on things to be able to get it better.
Communication is a reliable way to get things done in the first place. “Covering up and lying about infidelity makes things worse, especially for the one being cheated on,” she continued — so spare your partner additional pain by being as honest as possible,” according to psychologist and dating and relationship expert Madeleine Mason Roantree. Talking to him about how his cheating makes me feel so alone made him realize that everything was wrong. He asked for forgiveness, and I find it slightly hard to forgive, but I did. I gave him a second chance. We both need to understand that the choices we made will not define us, but instead make us the person that no one thought we would be.
Why I decided to stay
I decided to stay only because of one reason. It’s a choice I wanted to make. I want to save my husband as much as I tried to protect myself. I want him to know that even if things don’t seem to work for us, we can always find ways to work it out. I realized that I have to make him understand how much I loved him so he can remember how much I mean to him. From that, I can save the marriage and the family I built with my husband. “No two people agree on everything, and that’s okay, but it’s important to be okay with each other’s differences.” — Lee Bowers, LP, PhD
People may find it hard to see things differently, but love is all about making decisions. It is where you can summarize the things you have sacrificed for you to achieve the happy ending that you have always wanted. Staying committed should be made for valid reasons. Acceptance and forgiveness will eventually make things better if you try to learn to see the picture differently. Act on the situation by working on the positive side and avoid condoning the mistake because love doesn’t mean letting go. It needs you to fight for it.
Couples should consider a lot of things before they settle down and tie the knot. In marriage, “No two people agree on everything, and that’s okay, but it’s important to be okay with each other’s differences,” says Lee Bowers, LP, PhD. Both parties should take full responsibility for their duties as husband and wife. The relationship must include commitment, understanding, and unconditional love. However, it may show signs of failure. How can it survive the harsh truth of reality that one can suddenly feel nothing at all, or it may be both ways?
“There’s No You or Me, Only Us”
Married couples may encounter a lot of problems along their way to forever. But the thought should always be and quoting Lori Edelson, LMSW, LMFT, “Impossible to imagine one without the other!” Things like decision making are crucial in a lot of circumstances, and once a relationship fails to realize the essence of marriage, things can turn out worse. A study of people’s psycho-physiological measurement and their emotions apply to those people who tend to change their perception once they become married. The marital interaction happens once their meta-emotions are triggered which somehow leads the couple to selfish judgment and denial.
“I don’t love my husband anymore.”
It was almost over for Kilee Luthi (a loving wife) and his husband when she woke up one day and thought of not loving his husband anymore. Her decision made her realize that over the course of unwanted trials and misunderstandings, she finally fell out of love. However, the thought of it only reflects what her choice should or shouldn’t have to be. So instead of ending their relationship, she managed to pull through and decided to love his husband all over again.
Over the way of her meta-emotions, she realized a lot of things that made her change her perception throughout her struggle. She decided to stay and save their marriage. She viewed the relationship differently and made some adjustments to her preferences. She showed effort and started seeing things the way it was before when she decided to marry the man she calls her husband. From there, her consciousness made way for them to patch things up instead of ending it.
“It works if we work on it.”
Love never ends, and it must embody the relationship of both married couples. Letting go doesn’t always have to be an option when a person knows how to make a responsible decision. Everything married couples experience will still result in different opinions, and as long as both of them (or at least one of them) chose to fix things rather than finish it, a healthier relationship will soon take place. Always “Pursue connection!” says Lee Horton, Ph.D.
Loving a person is always a choice. You will have to deal with your emotions and apply necessary decisions that will make you realize how happy and satisfied you are with your life. It takes time before you can finally get over the fact that you and your partner should or should not have to go on separate ways because ending a marriage is never easy. It will catch a lot of emotional stress and heartaches. So if you are having problems on whether you want to hold on or let go of your marriage, always remember the reason why you said “yes” in the first place.
10 Marriage Advice From Celebs Who Are In Longstanding Marriages
Epic romance movies may come from Hollywood, but it isn’t exactly the best place to nurse a marriage. After all, we can read scores of news about celebrities divorcing and splitting up after so-and-so years of being together almost every day. Nevertheless, if we look beyond these countless divorces and split up stories, there lies true marriage gems: Hollywood stars – some belonging to the industry’s A-list – who have been married to their partners for as long as 10, 20 and even 50 years!
In the land of controversy and gossip, how were they able to do it? Marriage philosophies from people in what could be the world’s most wild place for love sure are golden nuggets of wisdom for married or soon-to-be married couples. Let us all learn a thing or two [and even more!] from these folks.